lo mejor esta por venir

I should run. I should run, I said to myself. I didn't run. I stayed. I wanted to end this in good term. I hate when people say I am the bad one here. I hate it. Really hate it. I told to my partner that I don't like staying here with my in laws. I know my partner didn't ask me to do anything at all in this house, but as a human that have a common sense, I simply don't want to stay at home and do nothing. I didn't pay anything, I couldn't. I didn't afford anything. It sucks. I told him couple of things that I kept to myself only, wild card I must said. But still got some wild card under my sleeves. I told my partner yesterday, and it was not a goood outcome. He was so weak. He slammed his face to the stereng. Oh god. I am scared seeing that situations. I am the one that feels needed to end this life. He was saying couple of things that I am speechless. Not because I am too stunned to speak, but I am scared there is no end to my problems. I am stucked. I felt...

I have been thinking about running for quite some time. I have this thoughts that I should run, leave everything back and move on with my life. I should listen to her. I should obey to that voices. Because I am tired now, to be honest. I have been endure all of this pain for freaking 3 years. I talked to my friend recently about my problems, well, he said, run. You should run somewhere, where he couldn't reach you anymore. I said to him, my dad asked me to finish this off with a good term. I tried for months, asking to be separated in good term. But, nothing happened. Nothing change. I lied to all people that I am okay, but to be honest, I am dying inside. I scream for help, but I shut myself for everyone. I said to myself, "give yourself another chance, give him another chances" that is what I hold dearly for past few months, but...I feel devastated. I am sad. I am dying. I am not myself. I am not me. Why? Who? I don't know myself at this point. I felt like I should ...

Funny how today, I’m 27 year old. It seems like it was only yesterday that I turned 21. Time sure moves rather quickly when you’re living in the now. I’ve noticed that the more I grow, the less I care and I have reached a point where I genuinely don’t give a fuck about anything which is why you’re seeing a lot less of me online now compared to before. Four weeks ago, I have posted a picture on Instagram with a caption that explains how I no longer have the interest of being around other people as their energy exhaust me. Unfortunately that is true. I don’t know about you but socializing or being in a rather “social” situation wears me out. Which explains why I no longer hang out with my friends because I very much prefer being by myself. I don’t quite fancy hanging out in a large group and if I were to hang out with my friends, I’d prefer doing it one at a time, or at most, 3. The only other person I spend time with aside from my family, is my husband. Not because we’re in a relation...

It's disappointing and sad, both at once. When your head is overwhelmed with unspoken words. My vision gets blurry day by day. It's confusing. The unseen wound is painfully excruciating. The silent scream is deafening. Sleepless night, by night. Hell exists in this world, I swear to God it exists. In the coldest night. In the darkest hour. In this sad, sad memory I wander. Alone, and honestly so lonely. People around acted like they know me. Judging me like they created me. Truth is, they did create me. They shaped me to somebody they wanted me to be, even when that means I have to put masks on masks to cover my true self. I have to put on the sweetest smile I got, made by the saltiest tears. It's hard, and life has never been easy. I told you I gave up on you, on us. It was actually me that I gave up on. I gave up on myself. I'm never gonna make you happy. I'm never gonna make you smile, for I don't know what a smile is. And I have no idea what happiness means....

S’il te plaît, arrête le temps. I’m stuck between the hands of time, A breathless pause, a silent rhyme. I crave a hug from me alone, To hold myself when no one’s home. The world keeps spinning, blind and fast, But I just want this moment to last— To freeze the noise, to truly feel, To touch the pain and let it heal. I lost my mum at the age of 27. Never ever I ever believed this would happened to me this soon. Tuhan, jaga ibu ku di atas sana ya? Aku rindu sama dirinya. Al-Fatihah, Zakiah Binti Awang Soh. Your first child, Kakak <3