I should run.

I have been thinking about running for quite some time.

I have this thoughts that I should run, leave everything back and move on with my life.

I should listen to her. I should obey to that voices.

Because I am tired now, to be honest.

I have been endure all of this pain for freaking 3 years.

I talked to my friend recently about my problems, well, he said, run. You should run somewhere, where he couldn't reach you anymore. I said to him, my dad asked me to finish this off with a good term. I tried for months, asking to be separated in good term. But, nothing happened. Nothing change. I lied to all people that I am okay, but to be honest, I am dying inside. I scream for help, but I shut myself for everyone.

I said to myself, "give yourself another chance, give him another chances" that is what I hold dearly for past few months, but...I feel devastated. I am sad. I am dying. I am not myself. I am not me. Why? Who? I don't know myself at this point. I felt like I should end myself and let everyone regret on everything they did to me, but my head voices said, I should run. Just run.

One thing I know, I am tied now, I should run and I wanna treat myself be better and better. I have family on my back. I know my dad will always have my back. I am sorry ayah, I failed on choosing my life partner, I have been being a bad kid to you and a sister to my little sister. I am sorry ayah. I am sorry ibu.

Delayed grief. That is what I experience now. I miss my ibu. But she is not here anymore in this world. I - I want to live there, with ibu. 

God. I know I should run, right?

I texted my friend. I said, I want to run.